hughbiquitous

I’ve written before about taking Christmas seriously. Here’s a lighter one.

John Mark Reynolds, director of the Torrey Honors Institute, has uncovered the truth about Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

Don’t be deceived by the cute reindeer puppet you know from the television show. That is propaganda of the worst kind.

Using first-hand accounts from the reindeer who were actually there (though only Fireball agreed to let his name be used), Reynolds exposes Rudolph for what he really is: a calculating, tyrannical megalomaniac.

Read the whole thing, but here’s an excerpt:

Rudolph soon forced Santa to distribute weird and disturbing toys, many of which did not work. “There was a reason we never made a train with square wheels,” one elf said, “but Rudolph cared less about the children than about his own plans for gain.”

As Santa’s toy quality declined, the Comet family continued their cooperation with the Red Chinese in building unsafe, but more profitable toys.

Elves were out. Slave labor was in.

Rudolph was overjoyed.

Then all the reindeer loved him
as they shouted out with glee,
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer,
you’ll go down in history!

Like all dictators, but especially like Rudolph’s personal favorite the ruler of North Korea, it is no longer permissible just to accept the Comet-family hegemony of the Pole. One must also love Rudolph.

Each day reindeer and elves are led out by Canadian authorities for their one hour Shout of Glee.

Update: After Dr. Reynolds published his exposé, the following picture of the real Rudolph surfaced on the Internet. Rudolph is in the center, wearing sunglasses because of damage to his retinas as a result of close-proximity exposure to radiation from his nose. To Rudolph’s right is Hermey the Dentist.

Can something that’s 16 years old be an “oldie but a goodie?”

Does Richard Dawkins exist? If he does, is he just an “ostentatious, acrimonious, supercilious, pusillanimous, calumnious, censorious, vituperative, querulous, embittered, obsessive, and bombastic bully?”

This is clever, but the blog entry that inspired it is simply brilliant.

HT: Between Two Worlds: The Dawkins Delusion

Allow me to take this opportunity to call “Talk Like a Pirate Day” to your attention. Each and every year, September 19 (next Tuesday, savvy?) is set aside for each of us to embrace the pirate within.

As a service to you, my esteemed readers, and in the sociological interest of preserving this vanishing cultural richness, hughbiquitous.com is pleased to offer you this space to post your comments. Our classified linguistic comment filtering technology (OK, it was a free download) will convert your comments into bona fide pirate-speak.

Please add your comments here to practice for this august occasion, even though it’s September.

Purgatorio lends its satirical aid to help diagnose symptoms of Emergent tendencies.

In the words of one commenter, “Now, excuse me while I return to David Crowder on my iPod, incense burning and a nice Chianti.”